The summer holidays are well and truly here, and already eyes are turning to the start of term which may have already arrived if you’re in Scotland.
In 56 tradition, we’ve dug out this year’s political report cards to see who has been impressing the teacher, who has been causing trouble in the playground and, crucially, who might not be coming back after the summer.
So bring on our end-of-term report.
Keir Starmer
Keir has had a difficult year, with some of his most loyal friends increasingly looking towards a new head boy and finally banishing him from the Head Boy table to the back of the class. His choice of US exchange representative may not have helped.
Attendance has been a particular problem. While Keir has been busy on school trips, his classmates were left gossiping about who might replace him. Back in the classroom, he struggled to keep control of his friendship group.
His deep unpopularity in the playground was always going to be his biggest problem, while the tone of his contributions often attracted more attention than their substance. At least we won’t have to hear the toolmaker story again as he resigns himself to the backbenches.
Starmer’s end of term grades
Andy Burnham
Andy is the new-old kid on the block, returning to school after years away and immediately proving popular with his classmates and snagging the Head Boy title.
His down-to-earth style has been a breath of fresh air after two years of an unpopular predecessor and his interventions in class have already attracted plenty of positive attention.
But Andy has already had to be reminded about the correct school uniform and should probably stop whistling The Smiths down the corridor between classes. His biggest challenge will be turning the novelty of his return into something that lasts beyond the first term.
Burnham’s end of term grades
Kemi Badenoch
Kemi has done well to steady the ship after a disastrous previous year. Her friendship group has been reshaped, with several disruptive pupils defecting to rival groups, and she has gradually regained control of the narrative.
Popularity remains a work in progress, but Kemi has increasingly put herself at the centre of classroom debates and looks more comfortable defining herself against her rivals.
She should probably still avoid getting dragged into arguments with Nigel about who is toughest on the school gates.
Badenoch’s end of term grades
Ed Davey
Ed remains one of the most experienced pupils in the school, but you wouldn’t always know it from the lack of attention he gets.
He has spent the year baking cakes, building rafts and riding tractors, all very wholesome, but not necessarily enough to make him the talk of the playground.
Nobody seems to dislike Ed, but that may be part of the problem. He risks becoming the pupil everyone quite likes but nobody particularly remembers.
Perhaps next term calls for fewer tractors and a little more engaged classroom discussion.
Davey’s end of term grades
Nigel Farage
Nigel has spent another year making sure nobody forgets he is in the school.
He thrives on being the centre of attention, regularly finding himself in arguments with classmates, teachers and anyone else who happens to wander into the playground. When things go wrong, he is usually quick to blame the rules or the marking scheme.
Attendance has been less impressive. After plenty of time on school trips to the USA, Nigel has now suspended himself for the summer while questions continue around his ‘lunch money’.
But when Nigel does turn up, people listen. Few pupils have quite the same ability to change the mood of the classroom, whether they like what he is saying or not.
Farage’s end of term grades
John Swinney
John has secured another term as Head Boy for the Scottish wing of the school. An impressive feat given the recent revelations about some of his former friends and their approach to school stationery.
He remains one of the most reliable pupils in the building, rarely venturing far from his classroom and keeping a tight grip on his friendship group.
John may not be the most exciting pupil in the playground, but he has something increasingly valuable: stability. Expect plenty of arguments with Andy about how the different wings of the school should be run.
Swinney’s end of term grades
School’s out
It has been quite a year at school.
A new Head Boy, shifting friendship groups and the rise of more radical pupils have changed the classroom considerably. Some have strengthened their position in the playground, others are looking nervously over their shoulders, and a few may be wondering whether they’ll even make it back for the autumn term.
The big question now: will this new order survive the new term?
