It’s Budget day, and the nation is preparing for the annual appearance of the Red Box, held for the first time by Chancellor John Healey.
There won’t be many envious of the Chancellor today. He’s tasked with delivering the Government’s spending plan in a tense fiscal environment, with limited room to manoeuvre and so far, at least, no line in the Red Book for hope.
But imagine for a moment that things were different. Freed from the constraints of his old friend the bond markets and shrinking fiscal headroom, what might the King of the North, Prime Minister Andy Burnham, like to see in his Chancellor’s first Budget?
A total transport overhaul
As Greater Manchester Mayor, Burnham was lauded for the success of his Bee Network, bringing the region’s buses back under public control. As Prime Minister, he’s promised stronger public control over the essentials; transport is no exception.
In our Burnham dream world, the Chancellor would announce funding for a nationwide rollout of regional publicly owned bus networks, with each service to be branded with a unique local symbol. Newcastle’s Magpie Network is first to launch, with Birmingham’s Bull Network to follow.
Trains are already set to be nationalised to improve efficiency, and in this dream world ticket inspectors are granted new powers to immediately remove unruly passengers who blast TikToks at full volume without headphones.
Nationalise Everton FC
With buses and trains back in public hands, the Prime Minister turns to the essential service closest to his heart. The Treasury will buy Everton FC and take it into public ownership.
Downing Street says the move will protect a much-loved institution. The Hill Dickinson Stadium will also become the government’s preferred venue for hosting world leaders, following the success of Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s visit last month.
Ministers on the morning media round insist that the choice of venue had nothing to do with Mr Carney being a fellow Evertonian. A request from Liverpool FC for equivalent support from the Treasury was answered with a handwritten note. It read, “I am afraid there is no money”.
The Department for Music
Live music venues have had it rough, and the government has already confirmed a 20% business rates cut for pubs, social clubs and live music venues from April 2027 (although the largest venues are excluded). While this is a start, in the PM’s dream reality, it’s just the beginning for supporting the UK’s music scene.
Amid confused looks across the House, the Chancellor announces the establishment of a new Department for Music. Its first policy is a major grant scheme for grassroots music venues, as the UK continues its search for the next Oasis.
It’s also announced that, inspired by the late, great Dolly Parton, the department will launch its own ‘Imagination Discography’. Under this new scheme, every child in the UK will receive a CD on a biannual basis until the day of their tenth birthday. The final instalment is rumoured to be Hatful of Hollow by The Smiths. The Prime Minister offers only a chuckle when quizzed on who made that particular decision.
Parliament gets a new home
The Palace of Westminster is in dire need of repair, but action on the matter has proven contentious. In the days leading up to the Budget, the PM hints that the government has found a solution which will also advance his political agenda.
Whilst the House mulls over the new Department of Music, the Chancellor moves to announce that instead of moving to a single facility, Parliament will rotate through different venues across the UK during the works. The first stop is expected to be Manchester Town Hall, with Cardiff’s Principality Stadium, Titanic Belfast’s exhibition space and Glasgow City Chambers rumoured to be potential next stops. PMQs at the Principality is expected to be a sell-out.
For a government that promised to take power out of Westminster, few gestures are more visible.
Back to reality…
Unfortunately for the Prime Minister, today’s actual Budget will strike a very different tone, and there are tough decisions to be made by a Chancellor with very little headroom.
