Amid all the excitement of a new Prime Minister and an opposition reshuffle, let’s not forget a particular milestone this September: four whole years since Liz Truss became Prime Minister – September 6, to be exact. Of course, it was precisely 44 days later that she stopped being Prime Minister, but that’s not the point.
So, let’s imagine an alternate universe in which Truss not only survived, but served a full term and won a General Election. What might be happening in the Trussaverse?
The UK and France are at war
A dour place to start, admittedly, but let us finish – the UK and France aren’t really in a war, at least not that kind. They’re in a modern-day version – a trade war. What went wrong? Cheese.
Of all the things that disgusted our Prime Minister, it was cheese. To be precise, the fact that Britain imported two-thirds of its cheese. The PM’s answer? The imposition of tariffs on all cheese products from France. The result? A very cheesy trade war.
Truss has left her stamp
Despite the ongoing trade war, there’s no shortage of cheese. Unfortunately, there is a shortage of something else: paper. So much so that WHSmith is now rationing A4.
There’s no trade war to blame this time, rather, its Conservative backbenchers, who have spent four straight years writing letters of no confidence and hand-delivering them to the 1922 Committee.
Chairman Bob Blackman has even lost the use of his left hand due to overuse – the product of repeated strain from opening letters week after week. The letters have reached such a volume that the Royal Mail has introduced a new stamp – a 1922 Committee edition.
Dismantling orthodoxy has a price: The NHS
Since her first days in office, Truss has railed against the “dead hand” of Treasury orthodoxy. In her eyes, and the eyes of the seven Chancellors she’s had so far, this is to blame for the UK’s sluggish economy.
And true to her word, the Prime Minister delivered. Treasury orthodoxy, in fact orthodoxy across every department, has been dismantled. How can we be sure? Every civil servant has been dealt a P45 (digitally given the paper situation).
Good news then! On the flip side, the resulting severance packages now account for 23% of government spending, with the government no longer able to fund the NHS. The UK, at last, has a fully privatised health service. Fortunately, the former “orthodoxy” have newfound means of affording this. As for the rest of us, well…
Lulu-lettuce
In this Trussaverse, the PM is no longer the butt of a lettuce-sized joke. In fact, she’s outlived the infamous leafy green. Truss: 1, vegetable family: 0.
But our PM isn’t content to simply win the joke. Sources close to her suggest she is workshopping her own Lizzie Lettuce sportswear range. It won’t be for the mainstream, but for the ambitious girlboss who refuses to sacrifice femininity in the name of exercise. For legal reasons, we must mention that aides close to the PM have rebuked the idea.
Speaking of legalities, plans uncovered by Politico suggest the brand will adopt “LL” as its logo. Lululemon is rumoured to be furious, and exploring their legal options, according to The Telegraph.
Is green the new Tory Blue?
Running has been quite the theme. Beyond inspiring a smattering of women to take it up, Truss has spent much of her time running from the polls. They don’t look good. Then again, they never did.
But the Prime Minister has a plan. If there’s one thing you can’t accuse Liz Truss of, it’s ideological inflexibility. Having been a Lib Dem, a staunch republican and a champion of remaining in the EU, she’s now preparing another great pivot. Her plan? Turn the Conservatives into the Conservationists.
Cosying up to the libertarian right has had its day. Upon seeing the surge in the polls for Zack Polanski, the PM was struck with a lightbulb moment: eco-populism.
One imagines green will be the dominant colour of Lizzie Lettuce’s upcoming range… perhaps it’s for the best that this alternate reality stays just that, alternate.
